


The Wrong Jodhpurs

by dsa_archivist



Category: Wallace & Gromit, due South
Genre: Crossover, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 1999-02-27
Updated: 1999-02-27
Packaged: 2018-11-10 12:09:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,672
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11126718
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dsa_archivist/pseuds/dsa_archivist
Summary: aka The Feel Mountie*  Wallace & Gromit crossover





	The Wrong Jodhpurs

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Speranza, the archivist: this story was once archived at [Due South Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Due_South_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in June 2017. I tried to reach out to all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Due South Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/duesoutharchive).

The Wrong Jodhpurs or The Feel Mountie

# The Wrong Jodhpurs or The Feel Mountie* 

  


### (A Due South/Wallace and Gromit Crossover):

REPOST   


G, Humor & Crossover  


By TimBeastie  


email 

* Feel as in Scottish for foolish.  


"Thank you kindly" said Wallace to Gromit as Gromit handed Wallace his morning paper.  


"Thank you kindly" said Benny to Ray as Ray handed Benny his unfiled files.  


## 1\. Deepest Britain (Due North)

  


"Oh look Gromit, here's a new gimmick, a holiday scratchcard, I wonder if it's a winner." said Wallace eagerly brandishing a small square of brightly coloured cardboard. "Quick get me a penny"  


Gromit rolled his eyes ceilingwards, sighed deeply and made for the wall safe. Twirling the combination lock between his clever paws he considered the possibilities -   


a) Wallace would lose and sulk the rest of the day or more probably the week and his promised extra chunk of Wensleydale would be forgotten.  


b) Wallace would win a holiday to some exotic destination and he Gromit would have to suffer the indignity   
of, of .. he shuddered - kennelling!  


Silently, as was his wont, he handed Wallace the pink ceramic pig containing all their worldly wealth. Wallace grasped the proffered piggy eagerly and dunked a penny onto the tablecloth.   


"Ah Gromit, here goes" Skritch, skritch, "Oh yes, that's good" Pause, Wallace took a deep breath - a very deep breath. "Oh my Gromit, oh my!" he squeaked. "We've won, we've won!!"  


Gromit closed his eyes, images of cold cold concrete, iron bars and eager canine companions danced across his eyelids. "We've won" he thought sourly, "Ha!"  


## 2\. Deepest America (DUE SOUTH**)

  


** Possibly, but then geography was never my strong point.  


"You wanted to see me detective?" Welsh sounded at his most unwelcoming, clearly not in a good mood, his desk strewn with his current struggles with the departmental budget.  


Ray swallowed, his keen intuition and sense of self preservation told him unerringly that now was not a good time. He turned slightly only to bump into his unofficial partner. Caught between a rock and a hard place, he exhaled slowly and turned back to the Lieutenant. "Umm" he began cautiously. It was amazing he thought, how Benny could fire him up with enthusiasm over something guaranteed, cast iron life-time guaranteed he reflected, to humiliate him in front of his superior officer - every time, and this would be no exception...  


"I assume" continued the Lieutenant in a gentle and thoroughly misleading tone, lacing his fingers together, "that this relates to your latest expenses claim, or rather perhaps you have come to offer the real one instead of this lamentable piece of fiction". With that he waved a tattered paper in the startled detective's face.   


"F..fiction!" stuttered Ray. "No sir!" he continued indignantly. "I stand by everything I put on that form, I got receipts too." He added smugly.  


Fraser, being something of a nosey-parker in these matters (as I am sure you have appreciated, though Ray certainly didn't) leaned forward and inspected the document carefully. "Uh Ray" he began, sounding rather puzzled. *Oh no* thought Ray, *no no no no no no, he's gonna stick me in it again! Please G-d, just this once give him instant laryngitis.* Ray cast his eyes piously heavenwards.  


Just then Ray's mobile rang. Ray grabbed it, *accidentally* stepping backwards onto Benny's toes as he did. "Ouch!" squealed the Mountie hopping back in considerable pain.  


"Hello" purred Ray in his best chick magnet tones. "Ravishing Raymondo here." His features creased into a sudden frown. "No not vanishing Raymondo..Hey Frannie is that you? What's up now? Oh!" Ray squawked, gaping fish-like at the receiver. "Hi Louise...umm, listen I meant to call..umm..Sure thing we'll be right there." Ray had gone quite white with shock. He slowly replaced closed his mobile and turned to Benny, a very strange look on his face. He swallowed twice, then turned back to his by now very curious superior officer. "Listen sir" he said earnestly "We gotta go, something come up." He looked pleadingly at the Lieutenant.  


The Lieutenant sighed deeply, he knew he shouldn't ask, he knew he should just shoo them out of his office and get on with whatever goofy stuff was going down, but..  


"OK I'll bite. What's this about?" Silence as Ray glanced warily from the painfully hopping Mountie, to the ceiling, the walls, the floor anything but Lt Welsh.   


"Well...?" continued the Lieutenant, starting to tap his fingers on the desk, "I'm waiting *Detective*" in tones that boded no good for his insubordinate subordinate.   


Ray took a deep breath, "Well Sir" he began "Umm, it's about, umm..err...Victoria Metcalf.. umm, you see.." Hastily Lt Welsh put up his hands as if to ward off any more. "No, no, no, that's all I want to hear, just get out \- Now!" the last word bellowed in decisive tones - to empty air as both cop and Mountie had disappeared from view.   


"Why me?" asked the Lieutenant softly and sadly, shaking his head and reaching automatically into his desk for a timely comfort sandwich.  


Benny hauled Ray out of the office and practically pushed him into their favourite meeting closet. "Hey Benny, watch the suit!" protested Ray stumbling. Benny was breathing hard, ignoring Ray's protests. The memories flooded back - just the mention of that name! - what on earth did Ray have to tell him?  


## 3\. Victoria Station

  


Wallace got down from the train carefully, he wanted to spend a few hours in the capital browsing specialist cheese shops before setting off for Abroad. He reflected happily on how Gromit well seemed to have accepted kennelling. "Gromit's a good lad really" he considered, munching some travel Gruyere and crackers. One of the other passengers brushed past him roughly. "Oh sorry" said Wallace automatically, reflecting sadly that good manners cost nothing. The passenger in question was a very small female in an extremely flowery dress and large floppy hat, carrying a trombone case with some difficulty in front of her face. "My!" reflected Wallace further, "that material looks just like our front curtains - well there's fashion for you."  


## 4\. Back to the Closet

  


"Ray" said Benny between firmly clenched teeth, firmly clenching Ray's lapels between white knuckles.   


"Ray, tell me about Victoria....NOW!"   


"Excuse me Mr Mountie" gasped Ray as sarcastically as possible from a position of very little breath or dignity, "But if you would care to let go of me...NOW! I *might* tell you".  


"Geez Benny" he coughed adjusting his collar after Fraser had let him go, none too gently, "You are so uptight!" After a suitably menacing and rather uncharacteristic glare from Fraser Ray continued.  


"OK, OK, I'll tell...You see Benny she's been arrested, and.." Ray swallowed nervously.   


"Well Benny she was arrested in England - her usual MO, diamonds again..only Louise says there's a twist - a real doozie and she wants to tell you all about it herself. Tell you the truth I think she musta been hittin' the bottle or somethin' cuz she could hardly speak for laughing."  


## 5\. We're all going to the Zoo together

  


At Heathrow airport Wallace gathered his belongings together and shuffled forwards. Ahead of him the check in queue stretched interminably \- oh and there was that rather rude young lady with the trombone. She seemed to be having some trouble with her passport. The stewardess at the desk was holding the small book up and looking backwards and forwards between the two as if trying to compare the photo and what she found in front of her.   


"Well" mused Wallace to himself, "Passport photos never do look quite sane"  


## 6\. Her Majesty's Pleasure

  


"Well Gromit - they almost had you that time." said Wallace to the rather subdued dog who sat staring glumly out of a railway carriage watching passing telegraph poles with a curious fondness. "Never mind" said Wallace warming to his theme "if it hadn't of been for you finding that penguin's passport and trying to use it to come on holiday with me, no-one would ever have suspected that evil bird was guilty of crimes Abroad too! Cheer up lad - at least I was able to stock up with some really excellent cheeses!"  


At London Zoo, said penguin, master or rather mistress of disguise glared through the bars of the cage.   


"Next time!" she raged, "Next time I'll get all of you, especially you Gromit! It worked so well in Chicago, OK that blasted wolf was getting suspicious but I dealt with him and that dumb Mountie - well!!" On that bitter note she slumped to the ground, (not very far I grant you).   


## 7\. Chocolate Lovers 

  


District Attorney St Laurent ushered the two friends into her office, with as much dignity as biting her cheeks and giving herself surreptitious chinese burns could allow. Of course her constantly shaking shoulders did give some of the game away...  


A few hours after Louise had eventually managed get the whole sordid story out, Fraser was still sitting in her office. He now bore a remarkable resemblance to a guppy - mouth opening and closing as if gasping for air, eyes staring wildly:  


"I fell in love with a penguin!!!"   


"Yep, how else d'you think you two survived Fortitude Pass?"  


"But, but I, I and she, I mean we..." stuttered the flabbergasted Mountie.  


"Not much *experience* eh Benny?" Ray leered rather unflatteringly at his friend.  


"Ppp pick up a Penguin" he trilled rubbing it in. Ray leaned back in his chair lacing his hands behind his head, enjoying the view. Those dreaded Inuit stories would be a thing of the past, now he had the magic word, and the word was penguin!   


## THE END

  


Notes:  


1\. Penguin is a choccy biscuit (cookie) - Pppick up a Penguin being the ad slogan. How many choccy biccies due you think Ray bought Fraser in the next few months?  


2\. Due you think Fraser's eyesight needs checking?! Or is he just seriously seriously inexperienced??  


3\. This story was inspired? By the fact that Wallace actually does say TYK to Gromit.  


* * *


End file.
